News reaches me via the latest issue of don't-buy-that-buy-this magazine and Thoroughly Good Read, Which?, that more than one third of us received an unwanted Christmas pressie last year.

What Which? meant to say, of course, was that every single last bloody one of us received at least one unwanted Christmas pressie last year, but that only just over a third of us admitted it. Cowards.

Smellies such as toiletries and aftershave topped the list of rubbishness, with clothes, gadgets and unwanted books bringing up the rear.

Stop this madness! Please, people: stop throwing away your money on nuclear-reactive smellies, novelty slippers, pink bathtowels and other stuff that's headed for the landfill. Think: what will save them time, hassle and money? What will give them what they really want – a cut-price hotline to their distant loved ones this Crimble?

Answer: a Skype starter kit complete with headphones, software CD and SkypeOut voucher. Then they'll be able to spend all of 25 December gassing with their favourite people, rather than trying to make conversation with ones they've been forced to spend Christmas with.